Understanding the Trance of Unworthiness
When we don’t practice mindfulness or develop the strength of self-compassion within ourselves, it is easy to fall into traps of self-criticism and isolation. Once that happens, it becomes increasingly difficult to see ourselves, others, and the world around us clearly. We use emotional reasoning and put our emotions over our intellect, which makes it difficult to solve problems. We fall deeper into the trap of self-criticism and isolation, until finding a solution appears impossible.
With the use of mindfulness and self-compassion, we can actively remove ourselves from these traps of self-criticism and isolation. We can actually stop going to battle with our minds! Tara Brach and Dr. Kristin Neff are two women in psychology and authors who explore the idea of the human “Trance of Unworthiness.”
What is the Trance of Unworthiness?
The Trance of Unworthiness is a deep-seated inner belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, bringing us to believe that we must escape the Trance of Unworthiness. In the first-case scenario, we run away from our problems and our uncomfortable emotions such as loneliness, fear, shame, guilt, or sadness. Or, we do the opposite and we over-compensate, acquire assets, obtain lists of accomplishments and accolades. Whether we run away or over-compensate, we typically fill an inner void of unworthiness with externals that feel good temporarily. Many psychology experts and mental health professionals believe The Trance of Unworthiness has reached epidemic proportions.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s book, Kindness, identifies how we, as a society, value profit over kindness, warmth, and compassion, and how mindfulness and self-compassion are essential in the way forward. Self-compassion can help us heal and move away from The Trance of Unworthiness. Self-compassion helps us manage the inevitable setbacks of life. When we view ourselves and others from a lens of compassion, we understand that mistakes are learning experiences. We can reframe the idea of our self-esteem as an innate factor that is rooted within ourselves, instead of being based in external factors such as physique, wealth, academic or professional accomplishments, and status.
Essentially, separating yourself from the Trance of Unworthiness can set you free.
Kendra and Ken: 2 Case Examples
Some examples of the trance of unworthiness include the following 2 people: Kendra and Ken. Kendra is a 20 year old female who believes that she is useless and unworthy of living a good enough life unless she has the attention and devotion of a romantic lover. When Kendra is not texting a romantic interest throughout the day, she feels unsettled and undesirable. In essence, the Trance of Unworthiness comes and says Hello, in a way that feels overwhelming and unbearable. Kendra begins to fear that she is not good enough and that she will never be accepted or wanted. She will always be lonely and not good enough. She must have done something wrong. There’s something she does not have, that other women do, She finds herself in tears after 2 hours of her romantic interest not texting back, or a few days of no contact. When this romantic interest does reach out, Kendra is at their beck and call. If this particular person is not available for her when she wants attention, she checks their Instagram following and followers. If there’s a new female follower, Kendra becomes frantic. Kendra does not feel settled until she has a replacement for this particular romantic interest. When she feels rejected or undesirable, like when she doesn’t get a text or call back for a few days, or when someone new loses interest, she is flooded with all of the memories of past romantic partners, and shuts down. Kendra hates feeling lonely because it brings her to face the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with her. (Hello, Trance of Unworthiness!)
Now let’s move on to Ken. Ken is a 33-year-old male who spends most of his time at work or at the gym. He is driven by profit and achievement. Ken has received all of his dream work promotions. Ken has acquired a decent amount of wealth and his work has been published on different platforms. Ken has obtained degrees, cars, and real estate investments. Ken also spends a lot of time working on his muscular physique at the gym and ingesting protein. Despite being busy and always chasing what other people view as greatness, Ken feels empty inside. He feels that although he has it all, there is something fundamentally wrong with him. Ken doesn’t trust most people because he fears others will only use him for his status, until they find his flaws or find someone with even more status, money, or a nicer car. Ken does not like to admit this to himself or to anyone, really. Ken thinks his fear of other people finding out there is something wrong with him might make him come off as weak or lame. He can’t let others see that side of him. Ken often pushes others away and is constantly chasing the next casual hook-up until h becomes sick of them, or the next drug-high which leads to a crash, whether it be popping bottles at the club or attending the hottest event and being seen in pictures. Ken also rarely celebrates his achievements, Instead, Ken is usually chasing the next financial investment, because despite the wealth, it never feels like enough. Ken finds it hard to bask in his accomplishments without chasing a high of some sort.
Clear Signs of the Trance of UnWorthiness:
1. A critical inner voice
2. Feelings of fear and shame
3. Bodily sensations such as knots of panic and anxiety in your gut, or feeling as if there is a heavy weight on you, sluggishness, or depressive-like fatigue, followed by a compulsion to get rid of this uncomfortable sensation with shopping, social media usage, a hook-up or romantic partner, drugs, food, or liquor.
Signs we are trying to run away from or avoid the trance of unworthiness:
We might try to focus on proving ourselves, like Ken. We might over-compensate at work, in the outside world, or in romance. We might over-explain ourselves in our personal relationships. We might feel the need to dress up and always look poised or well-put together. If something in our lives feels or appears messy or not well put together, we might avoid being seen at all and isolate.
We might also find ourselves not trying. It’s common to disengage due to the fear of failure, rejection, or chaos. This can relate to work when we find ourselves avoiding networking events or opportunities to expand, or shying away from promotions. It can also come up in the world, by avoiding the gym, hobbies that involve taking classes, making new friends, or general situations that would involve putting yourself out there. Some other signs might include compulsions to fill the void such as compulsive shopping, compulsive emotional support fast-food or compulsive emotional support drinks, vaping, Tinder or Hinge hook-ups or dates, drugs, or gambling. These attempts at running away from the Trance of Unworthiness will momentarily mask our inner pain until it wears off. Once that’s over, we have to do it all over again. It’s a vicious cycle.
How do we deal with The Trance of Unworthiness?
We can transform by learning to listen to ourselves and trusting our inner voice. Practicing compassion as well as mindfulness allows us to release ourselves from these false beliefs and unhelpful behaviors.
Steps to Separate Yourself from The Trance of Unworthiness:
Tolerate Discomfort, inspired by Dr. Kristin Neff
Use this exercise when you notice The Trance of Unworthiness creeping in, specifically when facing uncomfortable emotions such as loneliness, fear, a difficult transition or adjustment to change, or general nervousness.
Recognize and accept discomfort and pain as a part of life through mindfulness, shared humanity, and self-kindness. Say, think, or whisper the following 3 thoughts:
Mindfulness:
Notice where you feel the discomfort in your body. Notice the thoughts and feelings you are having.
Say to yourself, “This is a moment of suffering.” Notice without judgment. Simply observe.
Shared humanity:
Remind yourself that you are not alone in feeling like this, many people have felt this way before, still do, or will in the future, at some point.
Think or say to yourself, “Suffering is part of life.”
Self-Kindness:
Remember that being harsh and critical with yourself is not going to help. Instead, try kindness.
Think or say to yourself. “I am doing my best. I am doing ok just the way I am.”
To summarize:
This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is part of life.
I am doing my best. I am doing ok just the way I am.
Set a 3-minute timer. Repeat this to yourself for 3 minutes as you breathe in for the count of 4, hold for 4, and release for 7 seconds.
2. Manage Difficult Thoughts and Feelings
Cultivate balanced breathing: When you find yourself overwhelmed with negative thoughts, give yourself the gift of grace and ease. That means recognizing that you can ease yourself into comfort and find a sense of relaxation, within. It is possible. Start with taking a few deep breaths.
B.R.E.A.T.H.E. (Inspired by Dr. Krstin Neff)
Breathe
Regularly
Evenly
And
Through The
Heart
Every Day
Smooth, rhythmic breathing that is focused on the heart center brings forth a sense of calm. Focusing attention on the heart center will connect the heart and the mind. You can place your hands over your heart as you breathe. Feel your heartbeat. Visualize positive intentions and thoughts as you breathe, to breathe intention towards your heart’s desires.
Cultivate balanced thinking: Remind yourself that being self-critical and judging yourself is not going to help and will only make you feel worse. Consider that your thoughts have the power to impact how you feel and behave, and try to see the situation from a more balanced view, instead of black and white, or all-or-nothing thinking (I’m a failure. I’m a mess. My life is falling apart. I’m broken. I’m bad. I’m not enough. They are better) When facing stress or triggering emotions, reframe how you view the situation. When you find yourself focusing on the negative, remind yourself of your positive qualities, and what you are grateful for. Consider the positives in your life and what there is to be grateful for.
Mindfulness: Take each moment as it comes. What has happened cannot be changed. What happens in the future can be determined by what happens now and how you respond, with nonjudgmental awareness. Let go of the past and relax in the present moment.
Become comfortable with comforting yourself and accessing calm within yourself. Put your hands on your heart often and say to yourself, It’s ok. You are doing your best. It is even more helpful to know what you find comforting such as photographs of the beach, movies, scents, fidget toys, animals, or a piece of music.
3 . My Compassionate Life Breakdown
This final exercise is based on looking at your life from a lens of mindfulness, or non-judgment awareness, just noticing what is, without labeling yourself, using extreme thinking, self-criticism, or emotional reasoning. Compassion focused trauma expert Deborah Lee suggests this strategy of a very honest and nonjudgmental Life Breakdown, breaking your life down into different domains. Consider the following questions and consider that it may not come to you. You might be confused and unsure how to answer. Keep asking yourself until answers come to you. Come back to this exercise, as necessary.
How can I build on compassion for myself and others? To start, imagine how you would like things to be. This is the first step to building a higher level of compassion. Are you doing what you like both personally and professionally at work? What would make it better? What sort of work do you enjoy? What is valuable to you? How would you like to be? What will support you to achieve your goals?
